“I’d like to talk about this in person. I’m sorry for seeming like I get mad about everything. It just seems like you don’t care when I go out the way for you. I care about you, I gave you my body. I don’t do that with everybody…”
Although this may not be verbatim what I said since I sent this text almost three years ago, this was the gist of it. I waited for his immediate response. I never got it. I never got anything back from the person whom I would talk to every day and all day for the past several months. I waited and waited. “He’s probably just mad, he’ll get back to me in a few days or so.” I thought. But those few days turned into a few weeks. Then, I tried one last time, but this time was a pour out of my feelings to which he finally responded: “I really liked you and cared about you. I’m glad we met, and I hope you have a good move to school.” I responded “Can we meet and talk?” again I received no response.
I took that as my final rejection and deleted his number, social media, emails, our pictures together, and all reminders of him. I couldn’t believe he was throwing everything away over an argument, actually a text message expressing my frustrations with him for always being inconsistent with me. Just a few weeks ago he had introduced me as his significant other to his closest friends. Just a few weeks ago we were mapping out how we were going to maintain a long distance relationship between us. I began to regret my honesty with him. I wish I would’ve sucked it up and not complained. I felt as if I pushed him away by my attitude. I felt horrible.
The feelings to come in the next months were even worse. Increased feelings of regret, feeling rejected, and feeling unworthy. I asked myself over and over again: “why did you fall for him?” “Why did you give him your body?” “Why’d you say that to him?”
Then one day I received a message from a familiar name. It read something similar to: “Hey, I know it’s been awhile. I hope all is well with school. I’m sorry for the way things had ended and I wanted to talk to you. I understand if you don’t want to speak to me, but if you do, here’s my number.” My heart literally dropped! When I read it I looked at my roommate and said “He messaged me!” She rolled her eyes and immediately told me not to respond. I sent a text in a group chat with my best friends and told them what happened. Their reactions were split. One friend, the more independent woman “we don’t need no men” type personality told me to not waste my time. My other friend, the more forgiving and believing in second chances type character told me to tread carefully.
Indeed I did tread y’all! I entered into familiar territory. I had fear of being hurt again in a few months’ time. But, I believed that maybe this time, things would be different. Maybe, he would realize he missed out on a great girl! It wasn’t long before we were back to talking regularly. He apologized, promised to be better, but like I said the territory became familiar again. It wasn’t long before I was fooled, and the shame was on me this time around. He stopped responding, stopped spoiling me with the attention I craved, stopped giving me happiness that I couldn’t find in myself.
I was back to bitterness, back to shame, back to embarrassment. I returned to blaming myself and feeling broken.
Does this sound like a familiar story ladies?
The truth of this story isn’t that he was a horrible person who couldn’t handle someone like me. The truth of this story wasn’t that he didn’t deserve me…
I deserved someone like him! Someone who was capable of finding a way to manipulate me into thinking that I wasn’t good enough. Someone capable of highlighting my personal flaws. He was perfect for me at the time. He was perfect at showing me that I’d tolerate anything with a man just to keep one around, and that I’d rather be his option than be single. He was great at showing me exactly how insecure I was.
Because in all honesty, only an insecure woman could tolerate all of that. Only a woman uncertain of her worth could take on a childlike relationship where there was: no responsibility taken, no boundaries created, no clear intentions, or respect given. I couldn’t see any of the red flags because I was looking through rose colored glasses. He had shown me from the beginning what he wouldn’t do for me, and was clear about what he would take from me.
So while I could blame him, call him names, and make him the reason for why I have a hardened heart towards men. I simply cannot.
I cannot point the finger at him without pointing the finger at myself. He didn’t put me through anything I didn’t allow.
He could never have been a good man to me, if I first wasn’t a whole woman. Because if I was whole then, I wouldn’t have entertained a man who couldn’t make time for me, prioritize me, or preserve sex for marriage. The woman today could have never dated that kind of man. This man was reflecting the qualities of his own brokenness. I cannot fix a broken man, and this man could not have fixed me. The only one who could fix us, is the one who fixed and is still fixing me, and that is Christ.
I believe God makes women sensitive to when things sound or look off, yet we ignore that in order to satisfy our desire for intimacy.
If you believe that a man completes you, then you shouldn’t be dating. If you don’t feel right unless you have a man then you shouldn’t be dating. Why? Because another human being will never be able to compete with your expectations. Your source of happiness shouldn’t be based on other people. Happiness and feeling complete comes from God who lives within us.
A lot of the time we have God sized wholes in us, that we fill with everything but God and yet, we wonder why we always come up feeling empty! It’s because that man isn’t God sweetie! The spoken sweet nothings, good morning texts, and sex may feel good for a little while, but those things never last if the foundation is built on brokenness.
To the woman in a “situationship”,
To the woman hating her singleness,
To the woman in a relationship that you know isn’t healthy,
Understand your worth! Don’t ever be afraid to set unbreakable standards. Don’t settle for less because you don’t see more approaching. Lastly don’t be afraid to be alone.While you’re alone, God has you in the perfect place to start constructing you into the woman you’re supposed to be. This construction isn’t only for a future husband, but for eternity. “The wait” doesn’t stop because you find a man, there’s an eternity with God that He wants to prepare you for. There are broken women in marriages at this very moment. They may have a man, but they don’t have peace. Find you Queen! Prioritize you! Love on you! Be confident in you! You are worth waiting for, and Christ certainly found you worth dying for.