God is still good. He is still worthy. He is still almighty. But, this year has been the hardest, trying, and most chaotic year of my life. If something could go wrong, it did. I faced unemployment, heart-break, death, financial struggle, betrayal in different relationships, separation of a close friendship, and just plain ol’ craziness. This year hasn’t been easy to say the least.
While everything in me wants to refer back to my previous blog post “God isn’t Nice, He’s Good.” I have to speak honestly and say it’s hard to stand on those words when it feels as if everything is falling apart. If you were to tell me January 1st, I’d go through all the things I did, I’m sure I’d go in a self-induced hibernation until January 1st of 2017.
And there is always a ‘but’.
If it was actually possible to enter into hibernation for the rest of the year, it wouldn’t stop these things from happening. I’ve learned this year that things follow you into the next season if you don’t address them in the prior. I needed this season. I needed this season to mold me, sharpen me, and straighten me out. This year has been one of the most humbling years of my life because it showed me how much I desperately need God.
Before, I can say I used God as an accessory and not my daily bread. I sprinkled a little bit of Jesus and didn’t think I needed him as a full course meal. Regardless of how my day is, God should be what I thrive on, not some part of me that I like to post about in a Facebook status from time to time.
The most difficult part of this season was dealing with why God chose me to deal with this. Why now? Why couldn’t you block this from happening? Why couldn’t you give me the high paying job? Why couldn’t you stop my relationships from becoming broken? Why couldn’t you let me keep the guy who I thought was it for me? Why couldn’t you stop death from happening? Why couldn’t you God? Why did you do this to me all in one year God? God I’ve been praying, worshipping, and living for you! Why didn’t any of that work? Why me?
The question I should of asked is, why not me?
WHY NOT ME?
Who am I that I can’t be subject to pain, struggle, discomfort, death, and brokenness? I prayed, I fasted, and I praised God- and so what? The rain falls on the just and the unjust. I can’t think that because I live for God he is going to grant me a perfect life, he doesn’t promise that.
However, He does promise strength for my weakness, that He’ll carry my load, and that He works all things for the good of those who love Him.
I have no choice but to believe in God’s goodness despite all that I go through. I have to believe He sees me even when I feel alone. I have to believe He is intentional in everything that I dealt with this past year. I have to believe the things I had to go without are going to be restored. I have to believe the things I thought I needed were never really necessities. I have to believe that God truly does give beauty for ashes.
If you are like me, I hope you stop moping, doubting, or worrying and believe He can make beauty for ashes in your life too.
This year is coming to an end in a few months. And, although I want to literally just rock myself in a corner, I stand strong because I trust in God and I believe I will see His goodness even in the hardest season of my life.
He’s so good.