Sometimes these blogs can be almost like journal entries. As I write to you all, sometimes I write to me. Sometimes I write to the past me, but this blog post will be written indefinitely to me in regards to certain areas of my life today.
Queen, if you feel it in your spirit, it’s okay to say “me too”, sometimes that “me too” is needed when you’ve arrived to a place of complete honesty and mistakenly think you’re alone. Solidarity is not your home. Nothing is new under the son.
My play on words is not merely for the heck of it. Even though I do love a good play on words..
My use of the word “son” is because even if you can’t find a physical person to agree in your departure from your love affair with brokenness. Know that Christ is a witness to all that you go through, and he like us has been tempted in every way.
So you can relax in sweet whispers that say “Daughter, I understand, but I conquered that, and I died for you to be more than a conqueror
Are you in love with brokenness? Or do you secretly admire all that your old life sold you. Have you longed for all the sins you have purchased on credit, even though they were paid in full by Christ?
It’s like you know you can’t afford it. You know, the fits of rage with your family , the envy of other woman , the ungratefulness for your portion, the gluttony, the masturbation, the pornography, the horrible friendships/ relationships, the sex with that one ex or that one man you feel like you can’t resist.
The honesty in your struggles need to be dealt with, or else you’ll find putting your flesh into submission an impossible task and run back to what you know and love, but know deep down doesn’t love you.
I wrote a blog during my 28 Daily Devotional on how “we claim we had more liberty in our lives back when we could freely walk with our chains.”
Queens if I’m honest, I think I fell in love with the companionship I had in Egypt. ( Egypt = my time of emotional bondage)
I didn’t fall in love with one specific person but merely the thought of the “good times” I had in my past.
- I fell in love with the attention I received in the arms of a man who only gave instability and inconsistency.
- I fell in love with the lusts that induced cravings I can never fulfill in my flesh that is now submitted to Christ.
- I fell in love with the flawed love I had from friends that loved the drunk, clubbing, cursing, angry me but felt disappointed when they realized my new creature was here to stay.
But, as it’s easy to call old friends’ love flawed, I have to also be honest and say that I’m flawed for falling in love with brokenness. I have to be honest and say that I’m really just attributing my temporary feelings of loneliness to no longer being surrounded by company that left me feeling empty.
Once I gave my life to Christ I endured the most toxic breakup I’ve ever encountered.
I had to breakup with who I once was.
And if you ever went through a bad breakup you know that sometimes in a moment of weakness you go back.
So you take a dip into the deep…again.
You find yourself trying to take a dip, and figuring you’ll just get a little wet then go back to dry land but unfortunately, before you know it, you find yourself drowning.
“Sin will take you farther than you want to go, keep you longer than you want to stay, and cost you more than you want to pay. –R. Zaccharias”
So what do you do when you have fallen in love with brokenness and feel like you can’t move on? What do you do when you know that you want the standards that God set for you. What do you do when you know you love God, but, you feel there’s a part of you that can’t be shaken off? What do you do when you know you want to save intimate parts of you for your future or even present spouse, but feel tempted beyond your human capabilities? What do you do when you miss the old friends that were there for you until Christ entered the picture?
You acknowledge three things:
1. Truth over feelings.
Truth. The first thing you need to realize is that feelings are fleeting, but God is eternal. Your sinful and broken past is only enticing because the wage of your sins weren’t paid immediately.
Queens, at a point in your life, you had already came to a conclusion that the things you were filling yourself up with were emptying you. You were in dire need to have your voids filled and so you poured alcohol, drugs, men, women, and friends into it, but yet that feeling of emptiness still felt insatiable. Now, you want to pursue that feeling again because you actually are after temporary internal pleasures when you could have eternal pleasure in a God who fulfills all that you need.
2. Trust in the process
Breaking up with your brokenness is not an easy task. The biblical term for it would be called sanctification. Imagine a hour watch (sand clock) with a filter in the middle, the top half would be a mixture of God and your life’s experiences, and the bottom half is the new life in Christ awaiting you. As time goes, the sand goes slowly through the filter and the process to your new life, but, as time goes on, it sometimes withholds specs of dusts, or rocks in the middle that keeps you from experiencing the fullness of what God has for you.
Your desire for old sins aren’t because you’re horrible, but because you’re human. This is not justification, nor condemnation, but rather validation that you’re a godly being having a human experience. Because you are human, your flesh is lenient to sin, but because you’re a child of God, He graces you through this sanctification process to be holy as He is holy. Trust this process, and don’t shame yourself out of it.
3. Fall in love with the unknown.
There is so much more on the other side of your brokenness. Oh yes Queen, there is fullness of life, love, and purpose when you don’t stop to look behind. There is peace. There is structure. There is provision. All that is needed is at the hands of your Beloved Father when you take that step. So take a step, and then another step until you are face to face with the unknown. Understand, that God inhabits the unknown. He is the unknown. You only love your past because it is what you know. But in the mystery of the unknown there is trust to be developed in God. If you challenge yourself to free fall into the hands of God you won’t question the depth of His love when you are tempted to return to the brokeness of your past. Stop pacifying your fleshly desires, and start believing that there is truly more for you when you honor the covenant God had made with you through Christ.
Queens, your past should only serve as a reference point to see how much you’ve progressed. Reminiscing on past pleasures is a waste when you know it ultimately brought you pain.
Walk in more Queen.