Dear Queen:  The Dominant/ Aggressive Woman vs. The Desire for Marriage

Hello Queens!

Last night, I watched a video on a woman poetically speaking about how every now and then she must suppress her dominant attitude when in the presence of her man. She spoke on how her tendencies were to automatically curse out, and speak harshly, despite her desire to be soft and submissive to her man proven to be her king.

Warning: this blog addresses racial conflict, stereotypes, and the die hard feminists are probably going to come for me.

Many men, even black men like to say how black women are “so angry” which is why they prefer a woman of another race, known to be more “passive”.

Today, I argue several truths, and play devil’s advocate.

1. Black women sometimes aren’t given the license to be emotional due to unfair stereotypes.

2. Not only are black women not given licenses, but they aren’t despite historically dealing with deeper issues than races of other women. 

3. In general across all races, a “dominant personality” can often be mistaken for not putting up with nonsense, or masks used by women to assert their inexecusable bad attitudes.

This brought up a few ideas to my head to how do I, a black, Christian, woman relate to men in 2017 and does this block my desire for marriage? 

As a black woman, I come from a long line of black women, more specifically Haitian women. Women who learned how to be feminine from the women before them. Women who had troubling relationships with other men. Women who were enslaved by men. Women who were most likely raped and produced unwanted children by men during slavery. Women who were forced to sustain a home while facing adversity from the very men they were supposed to love and nurture. Women who were mistreated under wealthy families as house servants (post slavery). Women who only knew how to nurture men by meeting their physical needs and not their emotional needs. Women who endured harsh times. Women who didnt know how to be emotionally healthy. Women who didn’t have access to mental health and counseling. These women had children, who had children, who had me…who had all of us. 

Here I am, most likely inheriting the similar attitudes the mothers in the generations before me had. And I mixed those attitudes with my own negative experiences I had with men. Here I am, realizing that I was taught to not depend on men. My own father once told me as a young girl that he could leave at any time and I would just have my mother. I was not taught to be submissive or passive nor did I watch this happen between my parents. 

When I had my own romantic “flings” and relationships happen, the moment I got a feeling I was being fed bull crap I was quick to lash out and peace out. Prior to Christ, the type of men I used to date were actually rather passive, and didn’t carry the presence of a king. Also, with my generation comes the introduction of non-traditional things like excluding gender roles, going “dutch”, and killing chivalry. Women like myself were basically trained to not trust men, and that they can’t do for us even if we did.

Fast forward I give my life to Christ and my bible from Old to New Testament says:

“women submit to your husbands” 

*Blank Stare*

My life to Christ extends to every inch of my being. I bring Jesus to church, work, home, on a walk, at the gym (if I ever go there), in the bathroom, in my friendships, in my music, and just about everywhere. 
So therefore, my life in Christ surely outweighs my experiences and tendencies. Surely, Christ can meet me in my inabilities to see the true value of a man.

And God has. 

Don’t get me wrong, I’ve never been the type to say “I don’t need no man“. Men were always simply just there, when I wanted one they’d appear, when I didn’t, dating wouldn’t happen or my curve game would be strong. I digress…

Queens, I have a desire to be married, and because of this desire, God has simply changed my understandably dangerous perspective on men and how I relate to them. I’ve stopped objectifying them to lunch dates and someone to show off to my girls and saw them for who they are. I’ve had to stop seeing them as conniving creatures that I had to watch out for. I had to relearn my understanding of men because they were understood by me to be the enemy. 

Men: Designed in God’s image, and built up in His presence. 

Now, not all men are children of God, (just like all women aren’t) so therefore I’ve never experienced the royalty (until the past few years) that is in sons of God because I was too busy chasing after jokers, or being hurt by damaged men who caused me to rise into this woman who believed she could do without them.

Thank God for Godly men that showed me otherwise. Thank God for non Godly men who showed me Godly attributes. Thank God for true brothers in Christ who pulled brick by brick the flawed perspective I placed on all men and enlightened me of a different type of cloth.

The truth is, you could undoubtedly do without a marriage. But for those of us who want a man, we need to understand we were built for relationships and connection. We were built to be receivers, even down to our anatomy. 

That is why the female aggressive/dominant personality is a huge issue. Because when we don’t receive, we become desperate. When we get desperate, we become aggressive. And in our aggression we become angry. Then we do for ourselves, and reject the hand of a man who by Godly authorization is many things but also, a giver. 

“You sound like a gold digger

No, no, no, I’m not just talking money.

We don’t let men treat us.We don’t let men hold doors for us.We don’t let men advise us. These are just beginners things men should do.

We overall don’t let men do for us.

I remember a few years ago, my older male cousin opened my car door for me once we parked. I looked at him like he was crazy and he asked ” What’s wrong with you?” I quickly covered up for my shady face and said “Nothing! Shoot, I know about chivalry!”

I didn’t know about chivalry lol.

 ( I laugh at the thought of him reading this blog)

And in my defense, I would say the jokers didn’t give me the satisfaction of such treatment so I couldn’t quickly identify when a man was offering something. To this day I can’t help but touch my wallet when I’m out with a male, (proceeding with him giving me an ugly eye, and I slowly put my wallet back in my purse). I can’t help but interrupt a man when he’s speaking advice that I asked him to give me. I can’t help but think there is always an ulterior motive when a man is nice to me. I can’t help but think there’s an ulterior motive when a man even smiles at me for too long!

And, for many men there is an ulterior motive which is why we must #guardourhearts. 

But kings give from the generosity of their heart because that’s what they were born to do. Give to their work, give to their families, give to their ministry. God himself, gave His only son for the whole world. 

Which leads to their frustration with us, especially the modern day man. Sometimes men are short sighted and see us but don’t see the substance of what made us. They often don’t see the hurts we’ve carried. They don’t see the training of attitudes by our parents. They don’t see the lack of a father. They don’t see how fearful many of us really are of them. They don’t see the things that make us seem “angry” and “dominant”. They actually just see us reducing them, counting off their importance, neglecting them, cussing them out, lashing out on them, giving them pauper treatment when we claim they are our Kings. 

I’ll let you know a secret, men naturally love and need appreciation and respect! 

And you know how us women do! Though un-Christ like, we often only do what we feel men deserve. I get it, sometimes men do need to come harder. If men gave us time, they would receive the vulnerability that rests in our hearts. If they gave consistency, they’d receive our trust. If they gave us a seed, they’d receive the birth of something amazing. 

But ladies before we even get to that point in a relationship we have some serious things to overcome…

Colonization damaged women.

Unwelcome sex, rape, and molestation damaged women.

Broken men damaged women.

Institutions damaged women.

Broken homes damaged women

Absent fathers damaged women.

Heck, damaged women damaged other women!

And I hate that those things damaged us, some even damaged us under the guise of the Bible too. (Another blog for another day)

Those things also created dominant and alpha women. This could be either good or bad depending on how you look at it…

Yet, I still believe there’s hope for the dominant and alpha queen that society claims won’t win in marriages. I believe God can use our experiences, flaws, and quirks and draw power from them. I believe our strength from those things can create an even stronger home.

However the real food-for-thought question is, what if our “dominant” personalities are actually just protective cover ups for our damage? What if we became more broken than we’d actually like to admit, especially to men? 

To answer that question, even in brokenness, I believe that we can be restored back to the initial purpose God had for a man and a woman, if we make the conscious choice to follow His word. I believe men can be men and women can be women. I believe we can understand our differences. I believe we shouldn’t seek to be equal to men (except with pay, education, legal rights, etc) because our differences are so precious. I believe when God created the male flesh, and the female flesh he had distinct purposes for both. I believe we should trust God’s design for marriage and desire to submit and men to lead.

“Oh here comes home girl with the Bible thumping! 

Yes! I said it! Submit, but, to a king. Be soft, gentle, follow, and be a safe place for a king. Encourage, uplift, and support a king. Because a king isn’t like boys of the world. A king doesn’t participate in oppressive, sexist, and humiliating systems made to make women feel like they don’t have any other choice but to survive without men. The traits of honor, kindness, lovingness, compassion, and a desire to worship God is how you know you’re in the presence of a king. 

Queens, when a king presents himself you don’t have to operate like girls of the world and function outside of the way God designed you to be as a woman. Even if it’s engrained in your mind to be harsh towards men, God says we have the ability to transform our mind. Your tendencies to be aggressive, dominant, or angry fall away when the man you’re in a relationship with has you covered. 

None of this is easy. A requirement of such change is salvation in Christ and a transformed mind. This takes years of unlearning fallacies about each other. This means studying what it means to be a woman of God and what it means to be a man of God. This takes time understanding and showing compassion for each other. This means the deepest form of vulnerability being given from both sides. This means forgiveness. This means acknowledging the harsh realities of our different cultural backgrounds. This means identifying patterns in your mate’s life. This means realizing perfection will never be attainable, but still worth a try. This means making our love for one another not just an emotion but a choice. This means work.

Is it really, the dominant/ aggressive woman vs. the desire for marriage? 

That’s your choice to make Queens.

However, I pray your history, upbringings, and past experiences don’t become a wedge between you and having a fruitful marriage.

Blessings Queens

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